It was a serious and honest struggle battling with myself internally, while appearing strong to those around me during the preceding few months.I mean, my entire life and future felt like it had erupted. No more picket fence. No love, no relationship, no future with children and happiness and dreams that I had wanted so badly.
It all just kind of fell apart. I gained weight, drowned myself in anything I could to keep me occupied, lost faith in love or a future with a healthy relationship or ever finding someone “worthy” or, someone I feel like would really love me. (Working on this, don’t worry!)
I remember that moment where I made the decision (post black jean ripping situation), where I said “You know what?! I’m going to try something different. And I am going to tell all my friends and family about it.” It was about 2:00AM during a text conversation in which I made the final decision..
Two big things happened in this moment in time…
- I decided to begin letting a person go from my life who was toxic to myself (You guessed it, Señor Mierda!)
- I woke up from a long drone like trance of absolute fuckery
I didn’t WANT to do #1. I didn’t WANT to let him go.. Honestly, I still don’t.. But, I have to fake it until I make it. Otherwise I would never be able to make decision #2 or probably be writing this. Trust me, #1 took MONTHS of tears and sleepless nights. It was not instant..
Sure, I *wanted* to be THAT girl who was happy, fit, successful; who wakes up at 5AM and does cardio, who fearlessly hits the weights and eats healthy and is always smiling and confident… Why couldn’t I be? Not because I was lazy or didn’t have time or was too busy…
Simply because it was not a PRIORITY.
*see my vision board below*
That evening, I drove back to Atlanta from visiting my family. I was feeling determined, yet apprehensive. I had joined LadyBoss and had amazing access to weekly strength exercises, cardio routines, meal plans and recipes and an amazing support of fellow LadyBosses, family and friends.One problem: They were not physically in the gym with me to give me that blanket of comfort I was telling myself I needed in that scary weight and strength training section of the gym. UGHHH.I negotiated with myself. I said I would do some cardio only and get adapted. Slowly incorporate weights and strength training into my routine.How many times had I done that though? On the treadmill, I was studying a workout routine from my LadyBoss Trainer app.. Mentally preparing myself for whenever I decided to take on that next level. Definitely not that night.Right?Glancing around the gym, I saw a few people in the weights area. It was probably 9:30PM or so at this point on a Sunday night. (This is a 24 hour gym).
About seven minutes had gone by on the treadmill and I said “fuck it“. The realization of such a huge decision that I made for myself made me think I had nothing left to lose anymore.. So I better get my shit together..
Some kind of will power took over my body; I walked to the weight section and started to do the sets from my LadyBoss Trainer app. WOAH. Most of the battle was just walking myself over to that part of the gym. I felt my anxiety heighten as I walked over. . But then I was there, and what was I going to do …Just turn around and exit after walking over there in front of everyone? NOPE.
All my anxiety started to dissipate. Actually no one was staring at me. Hell, even a guy helped me attached a handle I needed for the cable machine and didn’t look back at me. I was in my own zone. I had watched the videos; I knew what I was doing. And I did it. Why hadn’t I done it before?! What was I thinking?!
Well, I wasn’t thinking before. To be honest, it is truly difficult. I decided to give myself a break. As should anyone else struggling with this. It is a hard mental battle to fight.
I guess you could say I “snapped” and unlike that toxic person once told me “why become a LadyBoss and a part of that group, you probably won’t stick with it” …. I don’t plan on turning back…
My name is Stila. I snapped. And I am addicted.
Find your reason to snap.
SONG OF THE DAY: Call Me When You’re Sober – Evanescence