THE STRUGGLE IS REAL.
For as long as I can remember, I have NOT been a morning person at all.
I would barely make it to school on time in high school.
I scheduled college classes later in the morning or afternoon or evening to avoid waking up early.
I never had a real morning routine or did things for myself during those morning hours.
Then, when I graduated and entered the real world… Adulting hit me hard!
Hardly making it to work on time, always 5ish minutes late, sometimes coming in 30 minutes to an hour late.
In regards to working out, I would try to do it after work or later at night.. Never did I think I would do it in the morning. 5AM?! That is definitely NOT going to happen.
Until it did.
My whole life, I told myself “I cannot do that!” … “I am NOT a morning person!” … “I will never be able to wake up early and like it!”
So. Many. Negatives. About. Myself.
Did I really not have faith in myself to do something positive for my own well being?!
Nope. I didn’t.
The truth is, words create reality and this inspires emotions about a particular subject. In this case, waking up early. I LOATHED THE IDEA. Literally the bane of my existence was waking up early. So of course I could never do it.
When you’re going through a difficult situation, it is difficult to do normal tasks or routines. My high school and college years were full of difficult situations. Really, one BIG one made of many different factors.
I moved out of a bad home life with my mom and abusive stepdad and escaped to another abusive and unhealthy relationship situation. I thought I needed saving from one and jumped to the other in search for comfort.
But did I ever really trust in myself for that comfort? Why rely on other people?!
I stayed in the unhealthy relationship for years telling myself again and again it was what I needed, that eventually it would get better and I just had to stick it out. Because he saved me, right?
I was so messed up that I didn’t know how to deal with anything. I lost friends and family. Making decisions that essentially dissociated myself from reality. What was even real anymore?
The situation was disgusting.
At the time, I did what I knew what best for myself. My survival technique. I dealt with the anger from him, the belittling comments, the emotional abuse.. I felt helpless.
It didn’t really get better.
It was ruined. We had both done awful things to each other. Abuse. Cheating.
Yea, me too.
So, I left him.
I was in therapy for eight months. We kept in contact.
Just when I thought there might be a chance… Maybe he’s actually growing up, changing, wanting the same things, and ready to really love me like I deserve… Well, he did change.
He didn’t want me anymore.
And here we are. Whatever soul searching or life he is living , he decided to do it without me.
After therapy, I realized I had essentially jumped from one dependent emotionally abusive situation to another. From my home with my mom and abusive stepfather to an abusive relationship with my ex.
I didn’t know how to handle negative emotions. When he got angry, I would stonewall (google it). I would CRY. My throat would close up and I LITERALLY could not SPEAK. I bottled it all up.
Therapy taught me this was anxiety because underneath it all, my emotions were not being heard or taken care of.. So I literally could not speak! My body was physically afraid of him.
I didn’t even know I had the anger and pain and hurt I was carrying around!
I needed to believe in myself, rely on myself and learn emotional techniques to be happy on my own, without anyone else in my way. I needed to take control. Therapy helped me achieve this. Are you aware of your emotions?!
I knew I was strong. I had been through a lot. But I lacked will power, discipline, the ability to do simple things like waking up on time in the morning and making it to work on time (not 5AM, just NORMAL time to get to work!).
When I “SNAPPED”, I made a list of what I WANTED to be. Who I WANTED to be. Whew. SCARY. Focusing so much on others for my whole life, I didn’t make much room for myself..
Who am I?! What do I want?!
I want to wake up early. I want to be a morning person. I want to go to the gym. I want to have healthy a relationship with food. I want honest friendships and relationships with family and friends. I want to know how to handle situations well and take care of my emotions in the right way. I want to be a good relationship partner. I want to be a good friend, daughter, sister, aunt, etc. I want to be happy.
You can define yourself and make it reality. Isn’t that cool?! **This DOES NOT mean you have to neglect others in order to fulfill this. There is a balance.**
So, here comes being a morning person (the scariest part of it all, to me) …. Ahhh…
I started telling myself … “THIS IS EASY!” .. “I can wake up early!” .. “I AM A MORNING PERSON!” .. “Everything is ready.. NO EXCUSES!” .. You know like I said, words create realities!
Before I go to bed, verbally telling myself “Think of all the awesome stuff you can do in the morning! Go to the gym, cook a great breakfast, have time to do a full face of makeup (ha)!”
This turned into reality.
This took a LONG time… and I’m no where near perfect. For example, twice this week, I snoozed my alarm so hard!
Sometimes, I try to negotiate with myself like a business woman … “It’s cool, girl… Sleep the rest of the morning, you can go into work late, stay later and then get a workout in this evening! It all works out!”
Man, am I sneaky or what?! I still trick myself like I did this week. . .
I have decided to try a new tactic to tackle that business woman negotiator side of myself… I will now try to tell myself that THIS IS NOT A NEGOTIATION.
“You WILL get your ass in gear. You WILL wake up on time. You WILL get to the gym.”
I really wish I could say I’m feeling SUPER sparkly and motivated right now. I’m not.
And that’s okay. This lifestyle takes time. Consistency. Patience. Support.
Something I am exercising mentally is DISCIPLINE.
Whenever we lack motivation, we have discipline and this sees us though. I’m working on strengthening this now. Using all of my resources to keep me pushed in the direction towards what I want to do and who I want to be.
Here is to waking up at the crack of dawn while everyone else is snoozing, to staying positive when all you want to do is give up, to keeping promises to yourself, to remembering why you started….
Because that all of shit is HARD to do!
Here is to health, love, and kindness; to selfishly and unapologetically taking care of yourself; to drinking wine on a Tuesday night (Because we are adults, right?); to having time in the morning to perfect winged eyeliner, contour, eyebrows and lipstick; to choosing the salad over the fried sandwich and water over soda…
All the little things add up and create this lifestyle you didn’t even know was possible… But BAM, here it is.
To sleeping well again finally. No more nightmares. No more staying up crying.
To be mindful and aware of my emotions, health, well being and wanting to take care of all parts of me.
To whatever you’re struggling with, I hope you find your peace. I’ll be here.
Get. Like. Me. *insert sassy emoji*xoxo,
bb by BadxChannels“It’s bad enough I’m stuck here cleaning this knife
Sick and tired of running all the time
Get away… away… away…
They better come and find me
Dark days are behind me
You should be more like me
Get away, get away”