Blogs, Relationships

Loss. 😢

How can I even put into words the hollowness inside of me after the news of my first love passing away? (From when I was a teenager). It’s only been a week.

I had just spoken to him it felt like. Now he was just… gone. Seeing his name in my cell phone as an awful reminder that I could never call him and hear his voice or laugh again.

I should have spent this last week allowing myself to process these feelings of sadness, despair, loneliness, anger. Instead I went out, drank every night, skipped the gym, fell back into a certain kind of darkness that is especially difficult to get out of.. but this time, deeper.

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I felt like an empty shell of myself, walking around, speaking, smiling… but I was not really there. Like I’m just watching things from a distance.

I made a huge mistake. Doing things I don’t even want to do hoping it will provide a little bit of comfort. Hoping it will dull the pain just for a moment. I didn’t even want it. There was nothing left in that empty vessel of a human either.

I wasn’t the only one who was empty.

If you think of your body as a vessel. Your heart has a special chamber specifically for feelings and emotions. They come, they go. You feel them, analyze them, learn from them, learn to love, forgive, be happy, appreciate sadness, see when anger is trying to help you, but do not let them take over completely.  

When you do not process them correctly, they stay, they fester, change, become toxic. Especially if you ignore them. Run from them. Be a coward because you cannot directly face things that have happened or the people they have happened with. Instead, fill that chamber with drugs, liquor, sex, fake versions of what you really want. This is what destroys you.

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Feelings and emotions are here to help us process the world around us, have relationships with others, family and friends, experience happiness, know when someone has wronged us and how to forgive and move on with those people.

You don’t just give up and run away from someone who has wronged you if you really love them and want them. You must love and enjoy life how you want, with who you want. And if you don’t want someone, have the balls to tell them.

The few people who care abundantly and feel everything in their hearts… they somehow trick themselves into thinking the others care as much as they do. It’s only when they’re slapped in the face by reality, in this case, my friend passing away, that they realize that the person they thought would care, simply doesn’t.

And at this point, with all of the emptiness, pain, anger, sadness, mixed with probably too much wine and lack of sleep, I have to get my shit together, re-read my first few blog posts, write a bunch of new ones that I’ll never post and pick myself up.

The difference between my emptiness and theirs is mine is temporary.

I care about those around me, I want to live a life of happiness and have meaningful relationships with family, and a future spouse, and friends. I want to acknowledge my feelings, learn from them, grow, and move forward. They don’t.

Just because someone else is a coward and is giving up, it doesn’t mean you have to. You just have to refocus your energy into another direction instead of one that keeps bouncing back because it will not be accepted from them.

Being happy is not easy. Being positive is not easy. Being healthy is not easy. Being good to yourself is not easy.

energy

There is so much negative energy in this world. When someone you want to spread your positive energy around with rejects you, it is so difficult to keep on keeping on. It is difficult to not be consumed by the sadness, anger, loneliness and darkness. When someone you care about dies, it is easy to just spiral down and stay down.

You must get rid of all of the negative energy. Throw away those things you’ve been holding onto because of “what-ifs”. Light it all on fire. (Permitting it is legal!). Change your phone number. Block the negativity on social media. Make positive plans to hang with positive people who actually care about and want you around and in their lives.

Don’t care if they hate your writing and say you’re only doing it to make people feel sorry for you. They’re jealous of you success and your ability to handle emotions, process feelings and understand them. They have become toxic with their stagnant emotions.

All you can do is move forward. Say your goodbyes to those that have died and also those who do not care enough to be in your life anymore, have a good and ugly cry, have a glass of wine and fake it until you make it.

If they cared, they’d be there.

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Never let them keep you down for long. Never. Allow. Your. Heart. To. Harden.

Allow yourself to feel and appreciate the emotions but then get the fuck up and keep on being a rock star. Go after what you want.

Use that energy. Focus on what you want. Make it happen.

Kind of like when you high five someone, if you stare at their elbow, you’ll NEVER miss their hand. For real.

Stare at the elbow of the life you want, and swing at it. Don’t give up on yourself, don’t give up on your goals, don’t give up on love.

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High-five.

I’ll miss you and love you always.

I’m giving back your heart on my shoulder. I don’t want it anymore.

xoxo,
Stila

LISTEN: This song is by Train. I am seeing this in concert this week. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve seen them but I’ll never get tired of it.

“Am I Reaching You Now” – Train

“Would you believe me
If I said my head is spinning without you
Would you believe me
If I just want to let you know how I feel about you
Now I want to know what I can do to make you stay with me tonight
‘Cause I do
Would you believe me if I leave you, cause here I go
Am I reaching you now
I’m just trying to tell you that I’m letting you go
Am I reaching you now
Dearly departed now that you’ve started, I’m going to finish it
Would you believe me
If I held on too tight to make it without you
Would you believe me
If I just gotta let you know I cant live without you
Would you believe me if I leave you cause here I go
Am I reaching you now
I’m just trying to tell you that I’m letting you go
Am I reaching you now
Dearly departed, now that you’ve started it, I’m going to finish it
Now I don’t mean to test your faith
Or make you think that I wont wait for you
‘Cause I will
But baby this is all I got
So I’m gonna give it one last shot
I would give you more than enough
But baby I got to let go
Let you go
Would you believe me
Am I reaching you now
I was trying to tell you I was letting you go
Am I reaching you now
Dearly departed, now that you’ve started, I’m going to finish it
Gotta finish it
Gotta finish it
Dearly departed, now that you’ve started, I’m gonna finish it”
 

 

6 thoughts on “Loss. 😢”

  1. I absolutely love you and you are a freaking ROCK STAR my Love! If only people had the balls you do, things would certainly be different!!

    Like

  2. And you do it again my friend… another very real post. Losing someone is one of the worst feelings imaginable. I am so sorry for your loss. It does nothing to help you, but I will always be here for you if you do need me for something. As for letting go of people…. yes. 100 times yes. It is quite interesting to see just who will reach out to you first and try to make plans with you. Really try. Those are people to keep around and idky that is still something I am learning. Thank you for all the amazing words you write. I was honestly ugly crying when reading the last blog post and now I seem to have calmed some. Thank you again.

    Like

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